Grappige zinnen Engels
- I changed all my passwords to ‘Incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
- My boyfriend talks, "If anything happen to you, I'll be beside you". But God says, "Nothing will happen to you as long as I'm beside you."
- Dear Teachers, You call it cheating ... we call it teamwork. Sincerly, Students.
- I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter.
- Meneer Krabs + ? = Parel. WTF.
- I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.
- I don't know what’s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you..
- "You've changed." "I know, I'm a Transformer."
- Dear Dracula, Remember that night a few years ago ago? Well, you have a son, his name is Edward. Sincerely, Tinkerbell.
- [Meeting Aliens] "Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
- I look at people sometimes and think.. "For real? That's the sperm that won?"
- I'm gonna change my Facebook name in 'No One'. Then when I click on the 'Like' button it will say "No one likes this"
- I'M A WIZARD "prove it" Sorry, no magic outside of Hogwarts.
- Okay, calm down. It's just a spider... A littl -OMFG IT MOVED!!!!!!
- You're ABCDEFGHIJK!' 'What's that?' 'Attractive brilliant cute darling elegant funny gorgeous and hot!' 'What's IJK?' 'I'm just kidding.'
- Someone told me I'm immature and need to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now.
- Dear Spongebob, You live in Bikini Bottom and you're super absorbent? Sincerely, you're a tampon.
- Dear Edward Cullen: So you stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original. Sincerely, Peter Pan.
- No, I will not share my iPod with you, it's an IPod not an UsPod.
- The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them "370HSSV 0773H" and tell them to read it upside down.
- Spongebob: "Can you hear me?" Patrick: "No, it's too dark."
- Facebook needs a "no one gives a shit" button.
- Elementary math problems are weird. "'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."
- Me: I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a shit. Cabinet: Bitch, don't look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice?
- Dear vampires, Aren't you worried about AIDS? O_o Sincerely, curious.
- When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me." Reply with, "That's the point dumbass."
- I'm gonna make a twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.
- Dear crush, don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You were on my wish list.
- I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little Mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!"
- When guys get jealous it's kind of cute. When girls get jealous World war III is about to start.
- "What if..." "That won't happen" "YEAH, BUT WHAT IF?"
- Music teacher: "What is your favourite musical instrument?" Fat kid: "The lunch bell."
- "You're looking so pretty today!" So, does that mean that I look ugly everyday?
- Oh, you hate me? Thats weird I've never even talked to you.
- Okay so you're 10 years old & you have a laptop, iPod, Facebook & a Blackberry. Dude, when I was 10 I had Pokemon Cards.
- Dear fake people, First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
- "Are you single?" "No, I'm plural."
- *One direction meets LMFAO* 'You don't know you’re beautiful.' 'Actually, I’m sexy and I know it.'
- This is how my week goes: mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday...
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I would agree with you if you were right.
- Teacher : "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!?!?!" Student: "Are you asking me out?”
- I know i'm not the only that opens a birthday card and thinks "..where's the money"
- Dear b!tch, eat some make up so you'll be pretty in the inside.. please. Love, everyone.
- I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who's dumb enough.
- Drake: are you calling me a liar? - Josh: Well, I ain't calling you a truther!
- My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
- Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
- If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- I’m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode..
- Favorite Text Message: I'll be there in 15 minutes, if not, read this message again.
- Why don`t you text me anymore?" "I don`t know. Mayb b3cuz yhu t3x+ l!k di$~"
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
- I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
- Dear Students, I know when you're texting. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, Observant teacher.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me.
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
- It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
- My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
- When in doubt, mumble.
- Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
- My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
- I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
- I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
- There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
- Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
- If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
- Is it true that the word STUDYING was derived from STUdents DYING?
- I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
- Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
- If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
- "Nobody ever listens to me." - Yellow Traffic Light.
- "K" = You just pissed me off. Go away.
- Dude, I watch CSI's, Charlie's angels AND Castle. I can make your death look like an accident.
- Oh, you're not fat. You're just easier to see.
- ADELE: "Are you breaking up with me? Hold on, let me grab a pen."
- ‘is that your ex?’ ‘no, that’s the biggest mistake of my life.'
- I make myself laugh, I should date me.
- I wish my grades would smoke weed so they could get higher...
- Humans = Creature that cuts trees to makes paper and writes "save trees" on the "same" paper.
- "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, the fat makes you look fat."
- Shampoo bottle directions: "Why are you looking at the directions? It's shampoo, just put it on your head, stupid."
- I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.
- It's alright, no need to reply. I was just texting you to exercise my fingers.
- Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes, it's very distracting.
- Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fuckers live forever.
- I’m going to spend Valentines Day with my true love…. food.
- Cop: Do you know why i pulled you over?, Me: To share some of your donuts?, Cop: Your goin downtown, Me: Is that where the donut shop is?
- "i’m a ninja!" "no, your not..." "did you see that?" "see what?" "exactly!"
- Buy a hamster. Name it Virginity. Lose the hamster. Close enough.
- “HeY tHeRe wHaTs uP?!” B*tch, is your caps lock having a seizure ?
- I nevur repeat the same mistake... nevur.
- Friend: Can I ask you for relationship advice? Me: Sure, but you might end up single.
- Mirrors can't talk, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
- Don't play with a girl's heart, she only has one. Play with her tits, she's got two of those.
- The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
- Friend: "I hope you burn in hell" Me: "I hope you step on a lego in the dark" Friend: *gasps* "Take that back!"
- I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
- I would slap you.. But that would be animal abuse.
- If you think someone is staring at you: 1.Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
- I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.
- A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
- Rain + Comfortable bed = Impossible to wake up.
- Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
- I am not rude. I just say how it is. Truth hurts.
- There should be an "I'm cooking" button on smoke detectors.
- Say no to racism. Be like a panda they're black white and Asian... But not Mexican so be like a panda holding a taco.
- Laughing is the best medicine. But laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
- Don't wanna sound like a badass or anything, but I have been known to run with scissors.
- I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
- Me: "Oh my god it smells like upsexy in here" Girl: "Whats up sexy?" Me: "Oh nothing much, you like pizza?"
- If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
- There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera"
- There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.
- Cool story bro. Do you wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale. Once upon a time, nobody gave a fuck. The end.
- I wish my summer vacation was as long as Phineas & Ferb's.
- Having a six pack and weighing less than 130 pounds is just like a fat chick with big tits. Doesn't count.
- Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs ...take them, because drugs are expensive.
- Dear slut please stop acting happy that every guy wants you, cheap items have many customers.
- Girl: "Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?" Dad: "To pass obviously" Girl: "OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!"
- Something about your face attracts my fist.
- How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
- ME: "Why am I still single?" BRAIN: "You're weird." BODY: "You're fat." FACE: "Plus you're ugly." FOOD: "I'm here for you."
- "hH3Lloo" "who's this?" "tH1z 1z mE" "oh.. Now I remember why I deleted your number.. "
- If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.
- Volleyball is a more intense version of don't let the balloon hit the floor.
- Last day of school: Normal people: I'm gonna miss you so much! *Crying* Me: I hated you all.
- "Are you sleeping?" "NO BRO! IM TRYING TO DIE!"
- Thank you, warning label. I almost took my hair dryer in the shower. Whew.
- Did you know, that if you put you ear to a stranger's leg, you can actually hear them say "Dude.. What the fuck are you doing?"
- Has anyone ever noticed that Katniss didn't pee for the whole hunger games. That girl must have a pretty damn good bladder.
- The origin of the word Boob: B = the arial view. oo = the front view. b = the side view.
- The shortest horror story ever = "There's no food left."
- I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
- Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
- Sorry, is this the part where i pretend to give a fuck?
- "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you held up a stick to a bald guy screaming YOU WILL NEVER WIN THE FIGHT VOLDEMORT!"
- Dear young girls trying to lose their virginity: If your age is on the clock, you're too young for the cock.
- That awkward moment when someone you hate is breathing.
- Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.
- doesanyoneknowwhatthebigstickatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?
- I think Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously.
- Without women, life would be a pain in the ass.. Literally.
- Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?
- If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
- I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some fat ginger kid.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- Your last name and my first name would look pretty good together..
- I love YouTube..one minute I’m watching a music video and before I know it I’m seeing people breaking their legs doing dumb stuff.
- Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
- I’m going to start a band called Free Beer because when people see a sign that says “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going 2 be there.
- If the world ends in 2012, I've wasted my whole life in school...
- Dear cellphone companies, please invent an "unsend my text" option. Sincerely, Everyone.
- Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $0.99 and salads are $4.99.
- There is a special place in hell for people who act dumb on purpose for attention.
- What do you call a black guy flying a plane?........ A pilot, you racist bastard.
- Facts: 1) It's impossible to hum while holding your nose closed................ 2) You just tried....
- Sometimes for fun I go to the zoo and run around yelling "THE TIGERS HAVE ESCAPED", The look on people faces is priceless.
- Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
- Sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.
- I live for two reasons. (1) I was born. (2) I haven't died yet.
- "You're just like a barbie.." "Awww, tall and beautiful?!" "No, plastic & brainless."
- Why is it that in girl tampons commercials they're always laughing & dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning shit down?
- I am not rude. I just say how it is. Truth hurts.
- I don't hate you, I'm just simply not excited about your existence.
- Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.
- Me: "You know how I know you're gay?" Friend: "How?!" Me: "Because you just asked how I knew you were gay..."
- I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
- WHY IS MY INTERNET SLOW?!" "Well, either your brother is downloading porn, or your sister is uploading it."
- You girls be 13 talking about "I hate sleeping alone" .. Well bitch you better buy a damn teddy bear...
- Cashier: "Are you buying all these?" Me: "No, I'm stealing them. I just wanted to show you first."
- I am that good at cooking, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on.
- Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.
- I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
- I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
- Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Why? Have you already forgotten?
- We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.
- If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
- Once upon a time before Facebook and Twitter, people actually went outside and did stuff.
- My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
- "Hey babe, you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."
- Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
- Me: Damn, you're such a good cuddler. Pillow: ... Me: Shhh, don't speak.
- I saw two twins babies. One had a shirt that said 'Copy' the other 'Paste'. They made my day.
- You're probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
- "You look tired" is just a polite way for someone to tell you that you look like shit.
- School for 13 years, college for 4 or more. Then work until you die, great.
- If you were my homework, I'd do you everyday.
- I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
- You're so boring. If you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
- Your crush showers naked. Just so you know.
- I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have kids as cool as theirs.
- Silly teens, babies are for adults.
- Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
- If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
- I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid... I really thought you already knew.
- I want to follow a random family around Disney world for a day, and just be in the background of all of their photos.
- Whoa, that was close... I almost gave a fuck.
- Boy: Hi. Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
- Strict parents create sneaky children.
- Screw YOLO, Hakuna Matata everybody!
- If you do not Retweet this a bloody dead girl will come into your house tonight... and do absolutely nothing except eat all of your Nutella.
- A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.
- Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.
- Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back.
- I Don't try to be Awesome. Awesome tries to be me.
- I will ignore you so hard you will start to doubt your own existence.
- What if it's only the stickers that are made in China?
- Bitch, I will punch you by accident on purpose.
- Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'like' my own status? Of course I like my status. I'm hilarious.
- School dress code is dumb. Your shoulder can't show? What boy is going to look at a girl and be like "DAMM THATS A FINE ASS SHOULDER!"
- Math: The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
- Photographers are violent people. First, they frame you, then they shoot you, then they hang you on the wall.
- When guys get jealous, it's actually kinda cute. When girls get jealous, World War III is about to start.
- Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
- Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
- You're totally fucked if you say no to drugs. Because if drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too much already.
- You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.
- Congratulations! You're a bitch!
- I just broke my personal record of days without dying today.
- Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you.
- Bitch, you talk sooo much shit. I'm not sure whether I should offer you a breathmint or some toliet paper.
- If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
- If you wanna see a perfect relationship, simply watch a movie.
- Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. LOL Me: Your bags are outside. Get out.
- Newtons third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
- Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
- You're 14. You smoke, you're not a virgin and you wear more makeup than you do clothes. Your family must be so proud!
- Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them, then right when you walk by them, they're quiet.
- The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"
- Oops, sorry. I dropped that fuck I was about to give.
- Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.
- Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.
- Is there a way for me to donate my body fat to the starving kids in Africa?
- Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook or Twitter goodnight...you can just shut the fuck up...
- You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."
- I'm about to rewrite history. History.
- When. You. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
- The problem with Crocs is that people wear them.
- My attitude is still a virgin because I don’t give a fuck...
- If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.
- "Can I ask you something?" "You're already asking."
- Sorry but I have a habit of not giving a damn about what people say or think about me.
- Society is funny. They ask you to be yourself and yet they judge you.
- Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
- "You're cute when you're mad." '"Yeah well I'm about to get real fucking adorable."
- Keep the dream alive! Hit the snooze button!
- Parents: Why are you awake so early? Me: Who said I went to sleep!?
- The nicer you are, the easier you're hurt. So just be a bitch.
- I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh and eat a zebra or whatever.
- Girl: "New year, new me. " Me: "I'm pretty sure you're still the same bitch you were at 11:59 -12:01"
- If Monday were shoes, they'd be Crocs.
- If you were a dinosaur, you would be a bi*ch-a-whoreous.
- Remember, don't Insult an alligator till you cross the river.
- I wonder your mom knows you're a whore.
- Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
- Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
- "k." Yeah, get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.
- Bitch please, I could remove 90% of your 'beauty' with a towel.
- *Girlfriend hugs boyfriend* Her friends: Awwww *Boyfriend hugs girlfriend* His friends: Hell yea, grab that ass bro!
- Bitch I watch CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, and Bones I can make your death look like and accident.
- My life: Wake up, survive, sleep.
- Dear Internet users, One day you will really regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms and Conditions.
- Cool story bro, wanna hear mine? Once upon a time I didnt give a fuck, The End.
- •~
- Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
- Girl: "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth!" Boy: "B!tch, if I were the last person on earth, you wouldn't be here!"
- I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
- You look like something I'd draw with my left hand, bitch.
- Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But there's also sharks, seaweed and toxic waste.
- I fucking hate smart ass teachers. Me: "Can I go to the bathroom?" Teacher: "I don't know, can you?" Me: "BITCH I WILL SHIT ON YOUR DESK"
- Do me a favor. Fall off the planet ...
- Please smoke right in front of me. It's fine.
- The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
- Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like real life Facebook.
- I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew.
- I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life...
- What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
- "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, the fat makes you look fat."
- I'm sick of bitches, bitching about other bitches being bitches.
- A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.
- Bullying is for losers, karma will get you back bitches.
- If my jokes offend you: 1. I'm sorry. 2. It won't happen again. 3. 1 and 2 are lies. 4. You're a pussy.
- We should be able to text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a killer and can't talk.
- What's big, red and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.
- Dear Santa, I've been good all year. OK most of the time. Once in a while. Fuck it I'll buy my own shit
- Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
- Don't worry Mayans. You made a mistake, it's not the end of the world.
- I wonder if kids in China push their eyes together and say "Hey Look! I'm American.
- Boobytrap backwards is partyboob. Carry on.
- I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it...
- Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.
- Dear Turtles, If you lose your shell, are you naked or homeless? Sincerely, curious.
- *WARNING* DO NOT open emails saying "You've won 2 tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" They contain 2 tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
- I swear some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
- What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
- I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There are no menu's, we just give you what you deserve.
- I love the sound you make when you shut the fuck up.
- Before you “assume” try this crazy method called “asking”.
- Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die.
- One Direction: The reason why we should've killed Justin Bieber before he could lay eggs.
- I mean I could've done my homework today, but I also could've committed murder. So there's that.
- "Dude that song is old." "So is your mom, but you still listen to her."
- I wonder if the girls from "16 and pregnant" will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
- At school: Slutty girl: ugh, my throat really hurts. Me: I bet your knees do too. Her: what? Me: what?
- Spongebob: "Hey Squidward. Guess what today is." Squidward: "Annoy Squidward day?" Spongebob: "No, silly. That's on the 15th."
- Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
- I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
- Spongebob: "Aw, cheer up, Squid! It could be worse!" Patrick: "Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose."
- That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.
- Spongebob: "Bye Mr. Krabs. Bye Squidward. Bye Squidward." Patrick: "You said bye Squidward twice." Spongebob: "I like Squidward."
- SpongeBob: "Patrick, you're a genius." Patrick: "Yeah, I get called that a lot." SpongeBob: "What, a genius?" Patrick: "No, Patrick"
- The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
- "Why don't you wanna taco 'bout it?" "Cause I'm nacho friend!"
- If you were sleeping between a beautiful girl and a gay man, who's side would you turn your back to?
- Fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake smile. Girl, are you sure you weren't made in China?
- I bet I can make you read this twice. You read that wrong.
- Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
- Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 yeard. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
- Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
- If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at school anymore.
- To do list: 1) Get a sword. 2) Name it kindness. 3) Kill people with kindness.
- Your crush showers naked. Just thought you should know.
- "Im ugly" ... You spelled "attention seeking whore" wrong.
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