Vermaak mezelf

"Vermaakmezelf.jouwweb.nl"

Grappige zinnen Engels

  • I changed all my passwords to ‘Incorrect’. So my computer just tells me when I forget.
  • My boyfriend talks, "If anything happen to you, I'll be beside you". But God says, "Nothing will happen to you as long as I'm beside you."
  • Dear Teachers, You call it cheating ... we call it teamwork. Sincerly, Students.
  • I can't believe Google is cocky enough to start guessing after one letter.
  • Meneer Krabs + ? = Parel. WTF.
  • I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated not to do anything.
  • I don't know what’s more awkward, answering Dora, or sitting in silence while she stares at you..
  • "You've changed." "I know, I'm a Transformer."
  • Dear Dracula, Remember that night a few years ago ago? Well, you have a son, his name is Edward. Sincerely, Tinkerbell.
  • [Meeting Aliens] "Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”
  • I look at people sometimes and think.. "For real? That's the sperm that won?"
  • I'm gonna change my Facebook name in 'No One'. Then when I click on the 'Like' button it will say "No one likes this"
  • I'M A WIZARD "prove it" Sorry, no magic outside of Hogwarts.
  • Okay, calm down. It's just a spider... A littl -OMFG IT MOVED!!!!!! 
  • You're ABCDEFGHIJK!' 'What's that?' 'Attractive brilliant cute darling elegant funny gorgeous and hot!' 'What's IJK?' 'I'm just kidding.'
  • Someone told me I'm immature and need to grow up. Guess who's not allowed in my tree house now.
  • Dear Spongebob, You live in Bikini Bottom and you're super absorbent? Sincerely, you're a tampon.
  • Dear Edward Cullen: So you stay young forever and sneak into the rooms of young girls? How original. Sincerely, Peter Pan.
  • No, I will not share my iPod with you, it's an IPod not an UsPod.
  • The best way to tell someone you don't like them is to text them "370HSSV 0773H" and tell them to read it upside down.
  • Spongebob: "Can you hear me?" Patrick: "No, it's too dark."
  • Facebook needs a "no one gives a shit" button.
  • Elementary math problems are weird. "'I had 10 chocolate bars and ate 9. What do I have now?'" Oh, I don't know, DIABETES MAYBE."
  • Me: I'm hungry. Fridge: I don't give a shit. Cabinet: Bitch, don't look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice?
  • Dear vampires, Aren't you worried about AIDS? O_o Sincerely, curious.
  • When your ex says, "You'll never find anyone like me." Reply with, "That's the point dumbass."
  • I'm gonna make a twitter account called "that creepy guy in the white van" and follow everyone.
  • Dear crush, don't be scared if a fat guy in a red suit snatches you away on Christmas Eve. Sincerely, You were on my wish list.
  • I wasn't that drunk..." "Dude, you picked up a little Mexican girl and screamed, "DORA! I NEED YOUR MAP TO GET HOME!"
  • When guys get jealous it's kind of cute. When girls get jealous World war III is about to start.
  • "What if..." "That won't happen" "YEAH, BUT WHAT IF?"
  • Music teacher: "What is your favourite musical instrument?" Fat kid: "The lunch bell."
  • "You're looking so pretty today!" So, does that mean that I look ugly everyday?
  • Oh, you hate me? Thats weird I've never even talked to you.
  • Okay so you're 10 years old & you have a laptop, iPod, Facebook & a Blackberry. Dude, when I was 10 I had Pokemon Cards.
  • Dear fake people, First of all, you should know that I'm typing this with my middle finger.
  • "Are you single?" "No, I'm plural."
  • *One direction meets LMFAO* 'You don't know you’re beautiful.' 'Actually, I’m sexy and I know it.'
  • This is how my week goes: mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday...
  • I would agree with you if you were right.
  • Teacher : "DO YOU WANT TO SPEND LUNCH IN MY CLASS?!?!?!" Student: "Are you asking me out?”
  • I know i'm not the only that opens a birthday card and thinks "..where's the money"
  • Dear b!tch, eat some make up so you'll be pretty in the inside.. please. Love, everyone.
  • I like to send out texts saying "Hey, I got a new phone and lost your number. Can I have it again?" Just to see who's dumb enough.
  • Drake: are you calling me a liar? - Josh: Well, I ain't calling you a truther!
  • My friend Phillip had his lip removed today. We call him Phil now.
  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
  • Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
  • Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
  • Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
  • Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
  • If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
  • If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
  • If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  • I’m not lazy, I`m on energy saving mode..
  • Favorite Text Message: I'll be there in 15 minutes, if not, read this message again.
  • Why don`t you text me anymore?" "I don`t know. Mayb b3cuz yhu t3x+ l!k di$~"
  • A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
  • I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
  • Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
  • God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
  • Dear Students, I know when you're texting. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles. Sincerely, Observant teacher.
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
  • I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger, and then it hit me.
  • Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
  • The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
  • Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
  • It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
  • He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
  • Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
  • My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
  • When in doubt, mumble.
  • Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  • My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
  • I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
  • I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila.
  • There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
  • Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
  • Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."
  • Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.
  • If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
  • Is it true that the word STUDYING was derived from STUdents DYING?
  • I speak twelve languages. English is the bestest.
  • Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
  • If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
  • Girls are like phones. We love to be held, talked too but if you press the wrong button you'll be disconnected!
  • "Nobody ever listens to me." - Yellow Traffic Light.
  • "K" = You just pissed me off. Go away.
  • Dude, I watch CSI's, Charlie's angels AND Castle. I can make your death look like an accident.
  • Oh, you're not fat. You're just easier to see.
  • ADELE: "Are you breaking up with me? Hold on, let me grab a pen."
  • ‘is that your ex?’ ‘no, that’s the biggest mistake of my life.'
  • I make myself laugh, I should date me.
  • I wish my grades would smoke weed so they could get higher...
  • Humans = Creature that cuts trees to makes paper and writes "save trees" on the "same" paper.
  • "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, the fat makes you look fat."
  • Shampoo bottle directions: "Why are you looking at the directions? It's shampoo, just put it on your head, stupid."
  • I offended you with my opinion? You should hear the ones I keep to myself.
  • It's alright, no need to reply. I was just texting you to exercise my fingers.
  • Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes, it's very distracting.
  • Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those fuckers live forever.
  • I’m going to spend Valentines Day with my true love…. food.
  • Cop: Do you know why i pulled you over?, Me: To share some of your donuts?, Cop: Your goin downtown, Me: Is that where the donut shop is?
  • "i’m a ninja!" "no, your not..." "did you see that?" "see what?" "exactly!"
  • Buy a hamster. Name it Virginity. Lose the hamster. Close enough.
  • “HeY tHeRe wHaTs uP?!” B*tch, is your caps lock having a seizure ?
  • I nevur repeat the same mistake... nevur.
  • Friend: Can I ask you for relationship advice? Me: Sure, but you might end up single.
  • Mirrors can't talk, and lucky for you, they can't laugh either.
  • Don't play with a girl's heart, she only has one. Play with her tits, she's got two of those.
  • The world would be a much cleaner place if we just gave blind people brooms instead of canes.
  • Friend: "I hope you burn in hell" Me: "I hope you step on a lego in the dark" Friend: *gasps* "Take that back!"
  • I've just bought myself a hyena. Finally my jokes will be appreciated.
  • I would slap you.. But that would be animal abuse.
  • If you think someone is staring at you: 1.Yawn 2. If they yawn, they were staring.
  • I never argue, I just explain why I’m right.
  • A Brief History of Our Times: As televisions became flatter, people became rounder.
  • Rain + Comfortable bed = Impossible to wake up.
  • Things to do: 1) Dig a hole 2) Name it love 3) Watch people fall in love.
  • I am not rude. I just say how it is. Truth hurts.
  • There should be an "I'm cooking" button on smoke detectors.
  • Say no to racism. Be like a panda they're black white and Asian... But not Mexican so be like a panda holding a taco.
  • Laughing is the best medicine. But laughing for no reason, you need medicine.
  • Don't wanna sound like a badass or anything, but I have been known to run with scissors.
  • I think it's only fair to throw monopoly money at strippers with fake boobs.
  • Me: "Oh my god it smells like upsexy in here" Girl: "Whats up sexy?" Me: "Oh nothing much, you like pizza?"
  • If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. That way you’ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes.
  • There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera"
  • There's a difference between being funny and being annoying.
  • Cool story bro. Do you wanna hear mine? It's a fairy tale. Once upon a time, nobody gave a fuck. The end.
  • I wish my summer vacation was as long as Phineas & Ferb's.
  • Having a six pack and weighing less than 130 pounds is just like a fat chick with big tits. Doesn't count.
  • Remember kids, if a stranger offers you drugs ...take them, because drugs are expensive.
  • Dear slut please stop acting happy that every guy wants you, cheap items have many customers.
  • Girl: "Dad, what's better? to pass or to fail?" Dad: "To pass obviously" Girl: "OH GOOD, YOU'LL BE PROUD OF ME! I PASSED MY PREGNANCY TEST!"
  • Something about your face attracts my fist.
  • How did I get out of Iraq? Iran.
  • ME: "Why am I still single?" BRAIN: "You're weird." BODY: "You're fat." FACE: "Plus you're ugly." FOOD: "I'm here for you."
  • "hH3Lloo" "who's this?" "tH1z 1z mE" "oh.. Now I remember why I deleted your number.. "
  • If Google can't find the answer, then it's not a question.
  • Volleyball is a more intense version of don't let the balloon hit the floor.
  • Last day of school: Normal people: I'm gonna miss you so much! *Crying* Me: I hated you all.
  • "Are you sleeping?" "NO BRO! IM TRYING TO DIE!"
  • Thank you, warning label. I almost took my hair dryer in the shower. Whew.
  • Did you know, that if you put you ear to a stranger's leg, you can actually hear them say "Dude.. What the fuck are you doing?"
  • Has anyone ever noticed that Katniss didn't pee for the whole hunger games. That girl must have a pretty damn good bladder.
  • The origin of the word Boob: B = the arial view. oo = the front view. b = the side view.
  • The shortest horror story ever = "There's no food left."
  • I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
  • Yo mama's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
  • Sorry, is this the part where i pretend to give a fuck?
  • "I wasn't that drunk" "Dude, you held up a stick to a bald guy screaming YOU WILL NEVER WIN THE FIGHT VOLDEMORT!"
  • Dear young girls trying to lose their virginity: If your age is on the clock, you're too young for the cock.
  • That awkward moment when someone you hate is breathing.
  • Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.
  • doesanyoneknowwhatthebigstickatthebottomofthekeyboardisfor?
  • I think Voldemort's parents took the "I got your nose" game a little too seriously.
  • Without women, life would be a pain in the ass.. Literally.
  • Dear radio stations, you do realize there are more than just 5 songs in the world, right?
  • If you never jumped from couch to couch as kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.
  • I finally got one of those "Stop Bullying" bracelets... I stole it off of some fat ginger kid.
  • Bad decisions make good stories.
  • Your last name and my first name would look pretty good together..
  • I love YouTube..one minute I’m watching a music video and before I know it I’m seeing people breaking their legs doing dumb stuff.
  • Sorry about last night texts. My phone was drunk.
  • I’m going to start a band called Free Beer because when people see a sign that says “Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM” everyone is going 2 be there.
  • If the world ends in 2012, I've wasted my whole life in school...
  • Dear cellphone companies, please invent an "unsend my text" option. Sincerely, Everyone.
  • Why are children obese? Probably because burgers are $0.99 and salads are $4.99.
  • There is a special place in hell for people who act dumb on purpose for attention.
  • What do you call a black guy flying a plane?........ A pilot, you racist bastard.
  • Facts: 1) It's impossible to hum while holding your nose closed................ 2) You just tried....
  • Sometimes for fun I go to the zoo and run around yelling "THE TIGERS HAVE ESCAPED", The look on people faces is priceless.
  • Remember when I asked for your opinion? Yeah, me neither.
  • Sometimes when I'm bored I lay on my kitchen floor and pretend I'm a crumb.
  • I live for two reasons. (1) I was born. (2) I haven't died yet.
  • "You're just like a barbie.." "Awww, tall and beautiful?!" "No, plastic & brainless."
  • Why is it that in girl tampons commercials they're always laughing & dancing? Shouldn't they be reving chainsaws & burning shit down?
  • I am not rude. I just say how it is. Truth hurts.
  • I don't hate you, I'm just simply not excited about your existence.
  • Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it's a brighter day.
  • Me: "You know how I know you're gay?" Friend: "How?!" Me: "Because you just asked how I knew you were gay..."
  • I'm a bitch? You're a bitch. Your mom's a bitch for having a bitch, your dad's a bitch for fucking a bitch. Now who's the bitch, bitch?
  • WHY IS MY INTERNET SLOW?!" "Well, either your brother is downloading porn, or your sister is uploading it." 
  • You girls be 13 talking about "I hate sleeping alone" .. Well bitch you better buy a damn teddy bear...
  • Cashier: "Are you buying all these?" Me: "No, I'm stealing them. I just wanted to show you first."
  • I am that good at cooking, even the smoke alarm is cheering me on.
  • Most people are only alive because it’s illegal to shoot them.
  • I love everybody. Some I love to be around. Some I love to avoid. And some I’d love to punch them in the face.
  • I'm sorry, what language are you speaking? It sounds like bullshit.
  • Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over? Me: Why? Have you already forgotten?
  • We live in a dark age. An age where it's not okay to commit murder but it's okay for fat girls to wear leggings.
  • If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
  • Once upon a time before Facebook and Twitter, people actually went outside and did stuff.
  • My daily routine: Wake up, be awesome, go back to sleep.
  • "Hey babe, you smell that?" "No." "Me neither, start cooking."
  • Hangovers: because you had so much fun, you deserve to think about it all day.
  • Me: Damn, you're such a good cuddler. Pillow: ... Me: Shhh, don't speak.
  • I saw two twins babies. One had a shirt that said 'Copy' the other 'Paste'. They made my day.
  • You're probably naked under all those clothes. You slut.
  • "You look tired" is just a polite way for someone to tell you that you look like shit.
  • School for 13 years, college for 4 or more. Then work until you die, great.
  • If you were my homework, I'd do you everyday.
  • I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
  • You're so boring. If you threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back to you.
  • Your crush showers naked. Just so you know.
  • I'm jealous of my parents, I'll never have kids as cool as theirs.
  • Silly teens, babies are for adults.
  • Oh look, it's raining outside. I think I'll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don't have a window of their own.
  • If only mosquitoes sucked fat instead of blood.
  • I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid... I really thought you already knew.
  • I want to follow a random family around Disney world for a day, and just be in the background of all of their photos.
  • Whoa, that was close... I almost gave a fuck.
  • Boy: Hi. Girl: I have a boyfriend. Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
  • Strict parents create sneaky children.
  • Screw YOLO, Hakuna Matata everybody!
  • If you do not Retweet this a bloody dead girl will come into your house tonight... and do absolutely nothing except eat all of your Nutella.
  • A ghost could be humping you right now and you would never know.
  • Love is like a fart. If you have to force it, then it's probably shit.
  • Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back.
  • I Don't try to be Awesome. Awesome tries to be me.
  • I will ignore you so hard you will start to doubt your own existence.
  • What if it's only the stickers that are made in China?
  • Bitch, I will punch you by accident on purpose.
  • Why does Facebook even give me the option to 'like' my own status? Of course I like my status. I'm hilarious.
  • School dress code is dumb. Your shoulder can't show? What boy is going to look at a girl and be like "DAMM THATS A FINE ASS SHOULDER!"
  • Math: The only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.
  • Photographers are violent people. First, they frame you, then they shoot you, then they hang you on the wall.
  • When guys get jealous, it's actually kinda cute. When girls get jealous, World War III is about to start.
  • Apple and Blackberry should team up and make a phone called the Pie.
  • Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
  • You're totally fucked if you say no to drugs. Because if drugs are talking to you, you've probably had too much already.
  • You only live once? False, you live everyday. You only die once.
  • Congratulations! You're a bitch!
  • I just broke my personal record of days without dying today.
  • Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you.
  • Bitch, you talk sooo much shit. I'm not sure whether I should offer you a breathmint or some toliet paper.
  • If you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
  • If you wanna see a perfect relationship, simply watch a movie.
  • Me: Mom...Dad. I've decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. LOL Me: Your bags are outside. Get out.
  • Newtons third law of Emotion: For every male action, there is a female overreaction.
  • Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
  • You're 14. You smoke, you're not a virgin and you wear more makeup than you do clothes. Your family must be so proud!
  • Haters are like crickets. Crickets make a lot of noise, you hear it but you can't see them, then right when you walk by them, they're quiet.
  • The most common phrase in China: "Hey! You look familiar!"
  • Oops, sorry. I dropped that fuck I was about to give.
  • Dear girls who take a pic in slutty clothing & glasses & label the caption "nerddd lol" You're not a nerd, you're a whore who found glasses.
  • Silence is the best answer to a stupid question.
  • Is there a way for me to donate my body fat to the starving kids in Africa?
  • Just a reminder that you don’t have to tell Facebook or Twitter goodnight...you can just shut the fuck up...
  • You're so annoying you should just wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry."
  • I'm about to rewrite history. History.
  • When. You. Read. Stuff. Like. This. The. Voice. In. Your. Head. Takes. Pauses.
  • The problem with Crocs is that people wear them.
  • My attitude is still a virgin because I don’t give a fuck...
  • If someone breaks your heart, just punch them in the face. Seriously, just punch them in the face and go get some ice cream.
  • "Can I ask you something?" "You're already asking."
  • Sorry but I have a habit of not giving a damn about what people say or think about me.
  • Society is funny. They ask you to be yourself and yet they judge you.
  • Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
  • "You're cute when you're mad." '"Yeah well I'm about to get real fucking adorable."
  • Keep the dream alive! Hit the snooze button!
  • Parents: Why are you awake so early? Me: Who said I went to sleep!?
  • The nicer you are, the easier you're hurt. So just be a bitch.
  • I bet when Cheetahs race and one of them cheats, the other one goes "Man, you're such a Cheetah!" and they laugh and eat a zebra or whatever.
  • Girl: "New year, new me. " Me: "I'm pretty sure you're still the same bitch you were at 11:59 -12:01"
  • If Monday were shoes, they'd be Crocs.
  • If you were a dinosaur, you would be a bi*ch-a-whoreous.
  • Remember, don't Insult an alligator till you cross the river.
  • I wonder your mom knows you're a whore.
  • Why do we bake cookies and cook bacon?
  • Police: "You were going fast." Me: "I was trying to keep up with traffic." Police: "There isn't." Me: "That's how far behind I am!"
  • "k." Yeah, get back to me when you learn the rest of the alphabet.
  • Bitch please, I could remove 90% of your 'beauty' with a towel.
  • *Girlfriend hugs boyfriend* Her friends: Awwww *Boyfriend hugs girlfriend* His friends: Hell yea, grab that ass bro!
  • Bitch I watch CSI, NCIS, Criminal Minds, and Bones I can make your death look like and accident.
  • My life: Wake up, survive, sleep.
  • Dear Internet users, One day you will really regret not reading me. Sincerely, Terms and Conditions.
  • Cool story bro, wanna hear mine? Once upon a time I didnt give a fuck, The End.
  • •~
  • Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper quietly "You can see me?"
  • Girl: "I wouldn't date you if you were the last person on earth!" Boy: "B!tch, if I were the last person on earth, you wouldn't be here!"
  • I love my toilet. We've been through a lot of shit together.
  • You look like something I'd draw with my left hand, bitch.
  • Sure, there's plenty of fish in the sea. But there's also sharks, seaweed and toxic waste.
  • I fucking hate smart ass teachers. Me: "Can I go to the bathroom?" Teacher: "I don't know, can you?" Me: "BITCH I WILL SHIT ON YOUR DESK"
  • Do me a favor. Fall off the planet ...
  • Please smoke right in front of me. It's fine.
  • The word "Saturday" has "turd" in it. Good luck trying to ignore that for the rest of your life, starting now.
  • Sunglasses: Allowing you to stare at people without getting caught. It's like real life Facebook.
  • I'm sorry I offended you when I called you a bitch, I honestly thought you knew.
  • I'm still waiting for the day that I will actually use x² + y +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 in real life...
  • What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing, they just waved.
  • "Does this dress make me look fat?" "No, the fat makes you look fat."
  • I'm sick of bitches, bitching about other bitches being bitches.
  • A good neighbor is one that does not put a password on their wifi.
  • Bullying is for losers, karma will get you back bitches.
  • If my jokes offend you: 1. I'm sorry. 2. It won't happen again. 3. 1 and 2 are lies. 4. You're a pussy.
  • We should be able to text 911, you know, just in case you're hiding from a killer and can't talk.
  • What's big, red and looks like a bucket? A big red bucket.
  • Dear Santa, I've been good all year. OK most of the time. Once in a while. Fuck it I'll buy my own shit
  • Did it hurt when you fell from the whore tree and banged every guy on the way down?
  • Don't worry Mayans. You made a mistake, it's not the end of the world.
  • I wonder if kids in China push their eyes together and say "Hey Look! I'm American.
  • Boobytrap backwards is partyboob. Carry on.
  • I saw something that reminded me of you today, but don't worry I flushed it...
  • Apaprnelty hmoosxeulas aer brililnat at unscarbmlnig snetneces.
  • Dear Turtles, If you lose your shell, are you naked or homeless? Sincerely, curious.
  • *WARNING* DO NOT open emails saying "You've won 2 tickets to a Justin Bieber concert!" They contain 2 tickets to a Justin Bieber concert.
  • I swear some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.
  • What if God's a woman? Not only am I going to hell, I'll never know why.
  • I've just opened a new restaurant called Karma. There are no menu's, we just give you what you deserve.
  • I love the sound you make when you shut the fuck up.
  • Before you “assume” try this crazy method called “asking”.
  • Twenty years ago, we had Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope. Now we have no jobs, no cash, and no hope. Please, don't let Kevin Bacon die.
  • One Direction: The reason why we should've killed Justin Bieber before he could lay eggs.
  • I mean I could've done my homework today, but I also could've committed murder. So there's that.
  • "Dude that song is old." "So is your mom, but you still listen to her."
  • I wonder if the girls from "16 and pregnant" will come back on "32 and a Grandma."
  • At school: Slutty girl: ugh, my throat really hurts. Me: I bet your knees do too. Her: what? Me: what?
  • Spongebob: "Hey Squidward. Guess what today is." Squidward: "Annoy Squidward day?" Spongebob: "No, silly. That's on the 15th."
  • Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.
  • I prefer not to think before I speak. I like being just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.
  • Spongebob: "Aw, cheer up, Squid! It could be worse!" Patrick: "Yeah. You could be bald and have a big nose."
  • That awkward moment when you're chilling at the park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging a piano.
  • Spongebob: "Bye Mr. Krabs. Bye Squidward. Bye Squidward." Patrick: "You said bye Squidward twice." Spongebob: "I like Squidward."
  • SpongeBob: "Patrick, you're a genius." Patrick: "Yeah, I get called that a lot." SpongeBob: "What, a genius?" Patrick: "No, Patrick"
  • The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.
  • "Why don't you wanna taco 'bout it?" "Cause I'm nacho friend!"
  • If you were sleeping between a beautiful girl and a gay man, who's side would you turn your back to?
  • Fake hair, fake nails, fake tan, fake smile. Girl, are you sure you weren't made in China?
  • I bet I can make you read this twice. You read that wrong.
  • Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
  • Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 yeard. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
  • Karma is when you throw a banana in Mario Kart and you end up slipping on it.
  • If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me at least a week to realize I wasn't at school anymore.
  • To do list: 1) Get a sword. 2) Name it kindness. 3) Kill people with kindness.
  • Your crush showers naked. Just thought you should know.
  • "Im ugly" ... You spelled "attention seeking whore" wrong.